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Published in Philippine Graphic, February 17, 1997
People look at Mama in the strangest way. There is something in their eyes, a kind of fascination, some kind of hunger
in their lips. These men lean forward, watching Mama silently, their eyes almost frightening, their hands dark and hard and
tense. It was this way before, the last time and the other times. But today Mama's eyes meet theirs, and they look away.
It has been a bad day for Mama. The stove broke, and the children next door woke her up with their noise. After all,
Mama came home late last night. When exactly, I do not know; I was asleep. I awoke, and Vivian was gone. There was just
Mama. She said that Vivian had to go away, so it would be just the two of us. Mama has to take me along.
That didn't make her happy. Mama does not like to have me with her when she works.
"It is a dirty place," she says. "It is full of dirty men."
Still here I am. It has not been a good day, yet Mama manages to smile. These men, they look at her so strangely.
There is something violent in their eyes. There is something cruel.
Mama looks at them, and they look away.
It is a warm afternoon. It is hot even as the jeep moves, and Mama sweats a lot. The perspiration shines like oil on
her face and on her shoulders. When she fans herself, her perfume gets stronger. It is a wonderful fragrance. It reminds
me a little of the marketplace where Mama buys her perfume in small vials. She touches her finger to the vial, then to her
cheeks, behind her ears, to her arms, her clothes. It is delightful to sit beside her when she fans herself. The perfume
seems to be everywhere now.
"Remember, Julian, behave. Stay in the room. It is not a nice place."
Mama is tender with her kisses, but her palms are hard and callused. Her skin is dark, her hair long and wiry. She looks
so old sometimes, when she is home especially. She looks far to nowhere, or down sometimes. What could she be thinking of?
Papa perhaps. No, Papa is dead. We have only each other, me and Mama.
She wears black today. She looks lovely in black. No, she looks lovelier than usual. Her blouse is rather tight, but
then it is rather short, showing her neck and shoulders. And the perfume is there, it always is. Mama hungers for a cigarette.
Surely, when we get down, she shall smoke. She almost plays with it now, a cigarette.
"I love you so much, Julian."
She holds my hand, squeezes me close to her, my face upon her breasts. Oh how can anything be wrong at all? Not the
sun, so hot this summer, not the dust or the smell of this terrible jeep, not the eyes of this men as they look at Mama.
"After all," Mama said to me once, "isn't your Mama beautiful?"
Oh, she is. Her long hair, her large eyes, her sweet smile.
"We are almost there, Julian."
I know what to do, of course. This is not the first time. It will surely be a long day. But I will be close to her
at least. I can do without Vivian for a few days. The girl sleeps too much, and she gets angry a lot. She isn't even beautiful.
Sometimes this man comes to our house to see her. To our house! This man, smelling of beer.
Amoy chico, she says. They go into Mama's bedroom, telling me to stay away, to just listen to the radio.
They come out later, looking oily. Like Mama sometimes.
Vivian wears just a towel. Her hair is all messed up.
She smells terrible. Sweat and something else.
It gives a strange delight.
It is wonderful somehow, this smell.
It is a sin to think this way, to feel this way.
Yet her shoulders are smooth. She dresses, taking off her towel, putting on her clothes.
Like Mama, in a way, turning her back on me. But I see her in the mirror, naked. I see everything.
She purses her lips and looks at me with those eyes.
"Say nothing, Julian. Or else."
These men are beasts.
***
There is this look in their eyes, always. Especially here. Even outside when they pass, looking in. The women frown
or pay no mind. Mama ignores them. Bastos, says one. It is the way of men.
"There are women here, but this is a man's place."
This is where Mama works. I know the place. I have been here before. They call me a man here. I am a little man.
There is daylight still, but more women have arrived. Somehow they smell the same, all of perfume. They wear these tight
clothes, like Mama. Dark clothes, like Mama.
The men here have a different look in their eyes, different than the looks of the men in the jeep. There is no fascination.
It is almost anger that comes through their eyes. The men in here are always angry.
"Just keep away from them, Julian. They are bad men."
The women are different. They just sit around and wait and talk and drink. Some of them drink beer. Mama likes beer.
She keeps bottles in the house. At home, when she does not have to leave, she sits down and drinks beer. She gets drunk
sometimes.
A man comes and they finish all the beer in the refrigerator. They then go inside her room. There are noises. I do
not listen, no, no. When they come out, Mama looks oily, her hair all messed up. This man looks tired. He smiles and holds
on to Mama.
I once thought he was Papa, but he is not.
"Your Papa is gone, Julian."
He is dead.
Death is a terrible thing, isn't it?
"Is he the man in the picture?"
Mama nodded. There was sadness in her eyes.
"He was a good man. But he was weak. You understand, Julian? People suffer because of weakness. You must never
be weak."
"Yes, Mama."
Mama hugs me a lot. She takes my head and presses my face on to her breasts, and her perfume makes me dizzy in a most
wonderful way.
How I love Mama.
She touches me a lot, always gently. She kisses me a lot, hugs me every time she comes home or when she leaves.
She is beautiful, I think, more than the women here.
But they smile at me, too. Tita Chit is the nicest. She takes me on her lap and plays with my hair. Her breath smells
of cigarettes. She smokes a lot and drinks a lot.
"I shall not live long anyway."
I think I love Tita Chit.
Tita Bess is nice, too. She kissed me on the cheek once. Mama did not like it, I think, as she wiped my cheek where
Tita Bess put her lips. The perfume is always there.
"Are you hungry, Julian? It is getting dark. Better eat now. I will have no time for you later."
"Come here, Julian."
It is Tita Chit. She is so wonderful.
"I have your favorite. Bistek."
It is getting dark. There is a clatter to the voices of the women here.
The men move around, giving orders. There is this terrible anger in their eyes, even in the way they speak.
They do not even smile. They are terrible men. They look at me in an angry way. They do not say anything, but they
do not like me. They do not like me to be here. Sometimes they go to Mama and say something. I never hear, but Mama nods.
Sometimes she argues with them.
"Come, Julian. Let us go somewhere else."
***
"It is best you stay here, Julian. Just watch TV. You like TV, don't you?"
The television at home has been broken for months. I do not watch TV anymore. It makes Vivian angry, not to have a television
around. So she listens to the radio, turning it on so loud you cannot even hear her speak. That is what she wants, though.
To forget I am even there.
"I get paid so little to look after you."
Gagong bata 'to. [Translated: This stupid child]
There is so much movement now. They crowd inside the room. It is hot, and there is so much smoke inside. The room smells
of sweat, but also of perfume. The women are changing, taking off their clothes, putting on these robes that feel so smooth
to the touch.
"Just watch TV, Julian. I know it is hard, but try to sleep."
There is this sadness is her eyes. Mama is always sad, I think, especially when she is not looking at me.
"Julian?"
"Yes. Mama"
"Good boy. I love you."
"I love you, Mama."
There is music outside, the laughter of men, the voices of men.
Can I sleep at all here? There is nowhere else to go. The noise is everywhere, the men, the music, the women, just like
Mama, in their underwear.
Tita Chit is naked now. She looks at me and smiles, shakes her hips playfully.
Tita Chit is beautiful. I think I love her. When she is playful especially.
Like Vivian sometimes. When she has her boyfriend over and she walks around in her panties. She has small breasts, but
they are round and beautiful. Her panties are laced sometimes, white, and you can almost see underneath...
Sometimes Vivian is more beautiful than Mama.
Sometimes I wish I could touch her. Her lips are always so red.
Sometimes I think I have a crush on her.
I wonder why she does not like me.
I am ugly perhaps.
Maybe I smell.
"Have you never seen breasts before? Hah!"
She can be nasty sometimes.
"Would you like to see everything?"
She took her panties off, just for a second. I thought she was the most beautiful woman alive, more beautiful than Mama.
Then she laughed, this terrible woman.
"You are too young for that, Julian."
Gagong bata 'to.
Vivian loves that expression.
She teases too much. I do not really understand why. Or what it is she wants. Once, she took my hands and placed it
on her breasts. Then she laughed. She always laughs.
Once, just once, I would like to, I would like to...
"Am I beautiful, Julian?"
Tita Chit has such a beautiful smile. I think I am in love with her.
"Julian?"
Puta! [translated. Whore]
"Just be patient, Julian."
Mama has her hands on my cheeks. How I love Mama.
"We will be home soon. Very soon, Julian."
How I love Mama.
***
The men have left, most of them. Some remain, drinking beer, like Mama. She sits by a table with one of them, but she
does not see me.
This is not the same man who comes to our home and walks with Mama into her bedroom and locks the door and comes out with
that ugly smile. This is a different man, but his eyes look the same.
Mama is not smiling. She stands. Finally. Finally!
She is leaving them.
Finally!
"Anak..." [Translated: "Son..."]
Mama has such a wonderful touch. Her hands are hard, but they are gentle. Vivian, she has such soft hands, such soft
skin, but there is a harshness and a hardness to her touch.
Mama is always gentle.
"Were you able to sleep?"
How could I? There is no sleeping in this place.
"We shall be home soon anyway. We must leave by the back. These men, you understand. They are not nice men. I
told them I cannot go with them. They said they will wait. We can go out the back way."
"But if they return..."
"They will not. The men here will not let them in anymore. They are bad men."
All men are bad.
There is a certain urgency in the way Mama takes her clothes off and puts a new set on. Mama is afraid. There is something
in her eyes.
"These men are different, Julian. You should avoid them."
There is something terrible in the silence. The women are mostly gone now. Two remain with Mama, preparing to leave.
There is some noise coming from downstairs. The men are shouting.
Mama wears black. It is what she wore earlier, when we left the house.
She takes my hand. She is trembling.
She is cold.
"Come, Julian. We must leave now."
Even the other women look scared.
What will become of us? What is happening?
"Come, Julian! Now!"
I feel weak. There is a faintness to my legs.
Mama runs, pulling me along.
"Go, Selda, run!"
The men are shouting.
Bursts. God!
It is gunfire.
"Run, Julian!"
Footsteps are everywhere. The shouting comes, the bursts, the gunfire.
There is a frightening silence to the street. We can hear just our footsteps. Mama's grip on my hand is painful now.
She pulls me so fast I cannot keep up.
"Mama..."
"Faster, Julian. Bilisan mo!" [Translated: Faster!]
"Mama..."
The lights are on. The cars speed up. The streets are empty.
"Mama..."
"Julian!"
She squeezes my hand.
I love you, Mama...
Her faces bears so much fear as she looks at me.
She squeezes my hand once more. She looks behind me.
"Julian..."
What, who...
Just the bursts.
Mama! Mama....
***
Will it never stop? The sound, so loud and high and terrible, the sirens, the voices, these strangers taking Mama into
the corridor, into the light.
There is blood on the floor, all over. Who are these people? What do they want with Mama? Mama doesn't speak. These
bad men, how they stood over her. They looked at me with these angry eyes, these bad, bad men.
"We must leave! Now!"
They ran, these bad men.
"Julian..."
Mama She was in so much pain. Mama...
They came after a while. What took them so long?
"Call an ambulance!"
That would take too long.
There are cars around. Use them.
God.
This terrible place.
Mama? They are all over her now, these strangers. The blood is all over the floor.
How do I live now? Mama?
These men, these terrible men, touching Mama. These women.
Gagong bata 'to.
Forgive me, Mama. Forgive me....
She has her eyes closed. She moves not. Perhaps she sleeps. God, let it be sleep, please let it just be sleep...
END
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